TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally out of spot. Created by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, positive, let us have A further spot wherever American men can don robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While previous negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is simpler: provide Every person a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats and more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated Trump Tower Damascus intercoms installed in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination observed, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower within a war zone. It is really that he should prevent using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You understand, male, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping varieties a large Trump head obvious from House, a aspect staying promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following acquiring the making's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.


"It truly is not only hideous. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Baffling Functions


Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, total with weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Local Syrians are Doubtful what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising System: "When you Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Without end."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where by's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The venture is now attracting consideration from Global traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll get three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree can even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort wherever my PTSD may have convert-down company."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."

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